"When life gives your SARS, make sarsaparilla."
"It takes a village to raise a village idiot."
Jason Purcell points out the following from Craig's List. Before everyone blogs this, note that it's a joke. Two minutes of Web research reveal that Africanized honey bees are the bane of beekeepers, and they'd make hellish housemates. But it's still a funny post.
$500 / 0br - Large Manhattan Room (one catch)Reply to: anon-12388299@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Jun 13 11:35:52 2003I have a large 15x10 room in a relatively large East Village apartment for rent. The apartment has one full bath and a half bath which is in my room. There is a large common area. It’s a great space. There is one catch you should be aware of. I am a professional bee keeper. I maintain a rather large hive of Africanized honey bees. Due to the economic downturn and the reduced demand for honey I was unable to maintain my work studio and therefore I now work from home. The hive is located in the living room. I have plenty of protective gear and they mostly keep to themselves and go about their business of collecting pollen and producing delicious and reasonably priced honey. However, occasionally something sets them off and hive becomes enraged and tends to swarm. Generally you should be ok if you just keep your door shut but this can be a hassle at times. If you have any allergies to bee stings or maintain a large collection of predatory insects this is probably not the place for you.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around E Village
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Last night I went with housemate Dav to my new favorite restaurant: a crazy, cozy, wonderful sushi joint called Country Station. It was a bizarre meal, indeed.
A strange drunk woman told Dav she was entranced by his "look." She immediately began photographing Dav, and she continued to snap shots and compliment him for about an hour, until we paid our bill and headed out. Then she stumbled along after Dav, babbling and snapping photos on the street.
Later we headed to a bar a few blocks away, and guess who was there? His new groupie lurched over and happily began a new photo session. Then I started photographing her photographing him.
Things became interesting as the other bar patrons tried to figure out who this celebrity was. A smarmy yuppie sidled up next to me and said, "Yo bruh. Who's your friend? Oh come on bruh, tell me his name."
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So I said, "Come on now, leave him alone. He never goes out anymore because people harass him like this wherever he goes. Do you know what I had to go through to drag him out tonight? I promised not to answer any questions about him; if you want his name you'll have to ask him."
"Fine. My girlfriend will know anyway," he said. "She knows who all the celebrities are."
Five minutes later, just as Groupie Number One wrapped up her final photo shoot, the girlfriend showed up and began interrogating Dav.
"I know you're someone famous, who are you? Are you David Morrow? Seriously, you are David Morrow aren't you?"
(Incidentally, who the hell is David Morrow?)
Dav -- who emphasizes now that he did not adore the attention -- had to escape eventually, so I hailed a cab and we headed to one of those oddball San Francisco parties where a naked woman lies on a table, and chefs carefully cover her body with freshly prepared sushi for the guests.
Yes indeed. Last night, sushi was the magic word.
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Groucho Marx can teach us a lot about Bill Gates.
Ah, 'twas a sweet, sweet Stampede. Indeed.
Find the bunny here.
And there. And here. And there.
Remember what happened the last time Santa visited North Beach and Chinatown?
Word on the street says he'll return this weekend.
And he's one mean drunk.
So you'd better not pout.
Books on my nightstand:
Kid: "Bye Dad..."
Dad: "Wait, where are you going?"
Kid: "I'm going down to hang out on the street corner with some friends."
Dad: "Hmmm. Is that Marcel kid going with you? You and your friends are going to talk aloud, right?"
Kid: "Of course, and don't worry, Marcel couldn't make it -- too windy or something."
Dad: "Well, okay. Have fun."
Announcer: "Do you talk with your kids? Kids who talk are 94% less likely to become mimes than kids who don't. So talk to your kids... and make sure they talk back. Parents... the anti-mime."
This is Alan Galloway's latest proposed radio spot. Citizen Galloway is devoted to protecting us all from quiet terrorism -- if you're an American, memorize his other dispatches immediately. It's your patriotic duty.
I haven't seen Alan in at least six months but we'll have lunch tomorrow, unless enemy agents trap him in an invisible box.
Noting all the recent, deadly-serious cheesebikini entries, some casual observers might imagine that I've grown up. They should stop making unreasonable assumptions.
Consider Exhibit A, highlights of a sophisticated e-mail debate that I undertook last week with my friend Dave Danzig:
S: you put the 'cyst' in sister
D: I put the cyst in YOUR sister.
S: you put the penis in penicillin
D: You put the vag in vagrant.
S: what's vag?
(can you be more specific?)
D: I meant it to be short for vagina. I was in a hurry.
How about this:
You put the nude in noodle?
S: but there is no "vagina" in "vagrant."
you put the "vague" in "vagrant"
you put the 'punk' in 'punctual'
D: You put the S.T.D. in custody.
S: you put the STD in bastard.
D: Yeah, but you don't pronouce it "S.T.D.", like you do with "custody".
Though, the S is a but of a stretch, I admit.
You put the "ass" in "no class".
S: you put the "oy" in "annoy"
D: You put the "sex" in "sextant".
S: you put the "acid" in "flaccid"
D: You put the "pet her ass" in pederasty.
S: you put the "pet-hair ass" in pederasty.
you put the 'petty' in 'pederasty'
D: you put the "funk" in "functionality."
I rest my case.
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
Add it to my wish list: Perfect Sideburns.
(Is this legal in Texas?)
"Everything I ever really needed to know I learned from ruthlessly torturing my captives."
"We are borrowing this planet from our children,
but we have to put their diapers somewhere."
It's a sex therapy site written in Engrish?! Thanks to Davezilla for finding it. An excerpt:
Q: Sir, my sexual activity to my wife is unsatisfied because my ejection is very fast is their any treatment to slow down my ejectionA: You can have sex for hours without ejaculation. You need proper treatment under sexologist.
NOTE: NO DOCTOR OR SEX THERAPIST IS HERE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. I am not at all associated with this "sexologist" and I'm not a sex therapist. So many people have posted comments about their sex problems after this post, that I'm not sure whether they're joking. If you have a sexual health problem, please seek professional help.
let's face it.